Matt, the boy I've been in love with for the past seven years, the one who just pecked me a few days ago, asked another girl to Prom.

"So, Jenny," Audra says excitedly, "did you hear the good news? Matt finally asked me to Prom." She tenderly rubs his back as I watch him visibly stiffen.

"That's...awesome, Audra," I somehow choke out.

I don't know why, but I assumed Matt and I would be going to Prom together.

He just felt me up, pecked me for the first time a few days ago.

Maybe because I naively assumed we'd be together by now.

Guess I was wrong.

My heart constricts in my chest, and I feel the sudden urge to flee.

"You guys are gonna look really great together," I tell them before taking a few steps and finding sanctuary in the girl's bathroom.

I lock myself in a stall and let the tears fall from my eyes.

A tear falls.

Then another.

And another.

That's when I realize this would be so much easier if I wasn't in love with him.

————————

"Jenny Marie Kearns! Turn off that alarm clock right now!"

I grab a pillow and clamp it down over my head, blocking out the sound of Mom yelling from downstairs. I'm not a morning person. I hate mornings. Birds singing. The sun shining through the slitted blinds in the window. Pancakes. Bacon. Coffee. Not my favorite things.

The smell of breakfast wafts through my open bedroom door and I try my best not to gag. This morning, I especially dislike the sounds and smells and sights of the day beginning.

Oh yeah, probably because I have a broken heart.

I think that's what this is.

My chest hurts. My heart hurts. My eyes hurt from the tears that wouldn't stop falling last night. Everything feels numb and heavy. Like someone is sitting on my chest. Or trying to drown me.

"Jenny!" Mom screeches.

I roll over and swipe the screen on my phone. The alarm stops blaring and Mom stops yelling.

Reluctantly, I force myself out of bed and head to the bathroom across the hall. I turn on the shower. Undress. Stand under the hot water. Let a few more tears fall. Shampoo. Shave. Conditioner. Dry myself off. Pick out jeans and a sweater. Blow dry my hair. Attempt to slap on some make-up. Deodorant. Grab a granola bar. Slip my backpack over my shoulder. Peck Mom goodbye. Head outside.

I'm frighteningly aware I'm just going through the motions.

He's standing by his jeep when a fresh wave of heartbreak hits me. It's not fair how handsome he is. Or that he'll never be mine. I'll never feel his rough, calloused hands caressing my bare skin again. Or his plush lips molding imperfectly to mine. Pretty sure that peck was his first. The first one he remembers, anyway. He really had no idea what he was doing. But I still liked it. Because it was Matt.

My Matt.

No, not your Matt. Someone else's...someday...

I walk towards him slowly, taking in as much of him as I can. Before he leaves for college and these morning car rides are swallowed up, a forgotten memory in the not-so-distant future.

His dark wash jeans hug his hips and the white long-sleeve shirt that stretches just enough over his muscled chest to make out the peaks and valleys of his pecs. The ones he rubs all over me when we're at the gym playing basketball. The ones I daydream about in the middle of Statistics.

Matt notices me staring at him and does a goofy, awkward wave. I shake my head, mumble, let's get this over with under my breath, and hurry over to the boy who doesn't want me. Romantically. Ever.

"Morning," Matt chirps as I slide into the passenger seat and buckle my seatbelt.

"Morning," I respond, trying hard not to look at him as we pull out of the driveway.

Maybe if I just stare straight ahead, the aching pain in my chest won't hurt as much.

"I have to run some errands after school," Matt tells me as he fiddles with the radio on the dash.

I close my eyes and sink into the seat beside him, praying the four-minute ride is over soon. The tension between us is thick and unyielding. "I'll see if Fallon can give me a ride home."

"No," Matt shakes his head. "I meant I have to run some errands, but I was thinking we could grab a bite to eat after?"

My heart clenches in my chest. "I'm busy tonight."

Matt looks slightly dejected but recovers quickly. "You have a hot date or something?"

"Or something," I mutter in response.

"What does that mean?" he snaps. He hardly ever loses his cool and I'm even more uncomfortable by his anger than I was by his blatant rejection.

"Nothing," I swallow hard, trying to figure him out. He's always in a good mood. Why is he suddenly so...wishy-washy?

"You're seriously blowing me off because of Saturday?" he raises his voice a little, causing me to protectively cross my arms over my chest. If I didn't know any better, I'd say he's more hurt about the whole situation than he's letting on.

I scrunch my forehead. "You're joking, right?"

Matt runs an exhausted hand through his brown hair. "I don't understand why you're being like this."

I shake my head, agitated. "You do realize that less than 48 hours ago you were touching me, right? With no shirt on. Here in this car. Then you pecked me, told me you didn't mean to and that you can't cross that line again. Come on, Matt. I'm confused and humiliated. No one has ever seen me with my shirt off before. That was...it was too much. I just need a little bit of space, OK?" And I'm in love with you. And it freaking hurts that you don't feel the same way.

"We can't even hang out now?" His grip tightens on the steering wheel, his knuckles turn white. "Can't even get food together?"

I want to tell him that we can. That we can just forget everything and go back to the way things were. But the words don't leave my mouth because the sharp pain in my chest is a constant reminder that it's not that simple.

"I don't want things to change, Jen. I'm trying really hard here to keep that from happening." His voice is softer, full of emotion.

"But everything is changing, Matt," I find myself saying.

He turns his head, briefly looks at me before his eyes are back on the road. And, for the first time, I notice the dark circles under his coppery brown eyes.

"I don't want things to change," he quietly admits.

I want to reach out and touch his arm. Comfort him. Make him feel the warmth of my fingers on his smooth skin. That's something I might have done before but can't now because it's too awkward.

"We graduate in less than two months. Then you're going to UCLA to play basketball. Who knows where I'll end up? We're going in completely different directions. Maybe space is a good thing," I shrug. My head agrees with me, but I can hear what remains of my tattered heart screaming at me to take Matt up on his offer to grab food.

It's just food.

But food gives the illusion that things are fine. And they just aren't.

"You're killing me here, Jen," Matt exhales, totally deflated.

Yeah, you're killing me, too, Matt.

"We still have a class together and you drive me to school every day. Plus, we have basketball on Saturdays," I remind him. "I'm not going anywhere. I just need...to figure out how to be around you after...theboobdebacle."

A gentle laugh falls from his perfect lips. "The boob debacle?"

I groan as I feel my face heat. "Yeah, the first time a guy felt me up he was disgusted. Not really my finest moment."

Matt pulls into a parking spot and puts the jeep in park. "I...um...wasn't disgusted, Jen."

I chuckle softly. "Whatever. It's over and done with. I'm sure I'll have months, maybe years of therapy ahead of me now."

Hopping out of his jeep, I open my granola bar, take a bite and start heading towards my first class.

Matt steps beside me, matching my pace. He doesn't continue the conversation and neither do I. We walk silently, neither of us brave enough to say anything more.

-

"What?" Fallon curses quietly in the corner of the cafeteria.

"Really?" I shoot her an unimpressed look as I pull out my peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

"Sorry," she brushes her long, naturally blond hair out of her light green eyes. "What the fudge."

"That's better," I laugh.

"I know you're, like, the Virgin Mary here, but you seriously got to second base before first base. I'm so proud, Jenny," she fake cries. "You're all grown up now. My work here is done."

Fallon is my other best friend. The person I actually tell everything to. We've been friends since kindergarten and she is, as she claims, my worse half.

"I just don't get what I did wrong." A hot breath of air escapes my lips. "I thought he liked me. And you should have seen his face while he was...you know...touching me," I whisper. "It didn't look like he hated it."

Fallon shakes her head. "I blame this whole thing on that bimbo Audra Jenkins," she begins. I exhale before she continues. "She's been trying to come between you and Matt since 7th grade. Always lurking in the shadows, waiting for her perfect moment. She's been eating lunch with him every day for the past month. She's trying to get him to ask her to Prom."

We both look over at Matt's table. The jock table. Football players, basketball players and cheerleaders. I'm allowed to sit there since I'm friends with Matt, but I never do. I don't fit in with that crowd. I'm not sure Matt does either.

Sure enough, Audra suddenly appears out of nowhere and sits down next to Matt. She's not a cheerleader. She's worse. Captain of the Dance Team. Which means she has the perfect body. Curved in all the right places. Toned and tan. Oh yeah, and she's extremely flexible. I had a gym class with her sophomore year, and she can do some interesting things with that body of hers.

I keep watching as Audra twirls her long, oaky brown hair between her fingers. She smiles at Matt. He seems a little uneasy as she gently touches his shoulder and whispers something in his ear.

"Five bucks says he still comes over here to walk to class with you," Fallon whispers. "Cause even though Audra wants him, he really wants you, Jenny."

I shake my head and turn to look at her. "I already told you he made it clear he doesn't want me."

Fallon shrugs. "I don't care what he says." She glances over at Matt and gestures for me to look. When his eyes lock on mine, I hear her say, "He's only ever had eyes for you."

The bell rings, breaking Matt and I's longer-than-usual eye contact. Fallon starts packing up her stuff as I stand and pick up my uneaten lunch.

Unsurprisingly, Matt strides over to our table to walk to History together.

"Is Fallon able to take you home today?" he asks as he grabs my backpack off the table and hands it to me.

Before I can tell him that she said she can, she interrupts. "Nope, sorry Matty. I have a very important doctor's appointment after school."

Liar.

"Finally gonna get that STD taken care of?" Matt retorts. He's never really cared for her. Always claims her promiscuous ways are unattractive and desperate.

"Is that your way of saying I sleep around too much?" Fallon crosses her arms over her chest, challenging him. "Because from what I hear, you've had your fair share of groping and feeling girls up lately."

"Seriously, you two?" I chastise as I walk away from them, rolling my eyes.

Children. They're both children.

"You told her?" Matt asks in disbelief when he finally catches up to me.

"She's my best friend," I answer. "Why wouldn't I tell her?"

Matt grabs my shoulder and gently turns me to face him. "I thought I was your best friend?"

"You are." I chew on my bottom lip. "But you're not the person I want to talk about my first... experiences with."

"Even if I'm the one you had them with?" he counters.

"Matt..."

"Hey guys," Audra interrupts.

Matt looks annoyed as I tear my eyes away from his gorgeous face and greet Audra. "Hey."

"Mind if I walk with you guys to History?" She elbows me in the arm and winks.

"Not at all," I smile at her before making room for her to stand between Matt and me. Which is what I'm assuming the nudge and wink were about.

"What were you guys talking about?" she asks as if we've been friends for years and walking to class together is normal.

For the record, it's not normal.

"Nothing," Matt and I both say at the same time.

"So, Jenny," Audra says excitedly, "did you hear the good news?"

I shake my head. "No, what good news?"

"Matt finally asked me to Prom." She tenderly rubs his back as I watch him visibly stiffen.

"That's...awesome, Audra," I somehow choke out. I don't know why, but I assumed Matt and I would be going to Prom together. Maybe because I naively assumed we'd be together by now.

Guess I was wrong.

My heart constricts in my chest, and I feel the sudden urge to flee.

"You guys go ahead" I clear my throat. "I'm going to head to the restroom before class."

Audra gives me a breathtaking smile. I really hate that she's so pretty. "Sounds good, Jenny."

I start to walk away before I turn back around. "Hey Audra?"

She looks over her shoulder as I watch her slip her hand in Matt's. "Yeah?"

"When did he ask you?" I'm not sure I want to hear the answer. But I know I need to hear it.

"Friday," she beams.

When the word hits my ears, I feel the last piece of my heart shatter into a thousand, tiny pieces.

"Jen," Matt steps forward, pulling his hand from Audra's.

"You guys are gonna look really great together," I tell them before taking a few steps and finding sanctuary in the girl's bathroom.

I lock myself in a stall and let the tears fall from my eyes, wondering how in the world there's anything left to cry out.